I’ve been kind of in a mish-mash of emotions. This thing has been rolling around in my mind for the past few months and no matter how hard I try I just can't shake it. Maybe I'm slow, or too shallow, or too deep, or too confusing. And maybe I'm over thinking things, or I'm retarded and haven't thought of this years before but it's just been hitting me so hard this year and I just have to let it out! It’s really weird… the feeling like I want to just hold on to being young, single, and me and yet feeling like it's coming to a close quickly. I do not feel pressured into liking anyone or do I have any desire of liking anyone anytime soon, but just this constant awareness lately of the fact that I'm not a young girl anymore... I'm 21 years old with my whole life ahead of me and I feel... Tired... Tired, because I know that I'm about to embark upon a mission for the rest of my life that will require all of me. And I'll one day look back at school as a walk in the park, as I do my childhood. Which brings me to my question… When did we grow up? Seriously! I still feel like the gawky little girl with no friends. The girl that always says and does the wrong things and yet I'm not. I look around me and all my friends are in some form of relationship. Whether it be, boyfriend/girlfriend, marriage, or married with children… and that scares me because… where has time gone? Where did my friends go… and when did I loose them? When did we grow up? It sort of makes me feel lost; like I'm out of my element. Like I stepped through a time portal or am in some strange dream like ‘13 Going on Thirty’ but I can’t go back.
  Watching my friends move away when we were but children and seeing them now with children of their own... it makes me stop and take a step back and just think. When did we grow up? Where did time go? When did we become who we are, you know? I feel sort of like time put a blindfold on my eyes and twirled me around, only to take the blindfold off my eyes and see my childhood and the children I once knew are all gone. It's a strange mix of emotions... sort of bittersweet, but more. I almost feel an urgency for the present... like if I don’t hold on to the now, I'll miss it for forever. I'm trying to strengthen and build life-long friendships because I know I will need them in my life. I will spend a lot of my life giving and will want my close friends to confide in. But I'm also really seeking God with more of a passion to be face-to-face with Him in His presence and find that resting place and make it consistent in life, more then ever before, because... ministry starts here... not out there.. right here first. :)
  God's got me just thinking too much maybe... haha... I must sound so crazy to you!! I'm just being developed in the very deepest part of me... God's awakened a part of my heart that I closed the door on, praying that He would do as He willed with it, but if it never happened... I never wasted my time or His... but as I told a dear friend of mine, “I feel like there is a fresh wind blowing under the door... a pressure building up behind the door and that God is about to blow the door down!” I have made some pretty radical changes in my life this semester and I can feel God deeping my roots. I’m not claiming to be Superwoman even though that would be totally sweeet! But seriously… we aren’t children anymore. I’ve put and am continuing to put my childish ways behind me to be all that He wants and is calling me to be.
  So as 2008 closes I'm not letting my fire go out and I'm not letting myself go back to my old ways because God's got so much more for me. And this year, as I did last year, I'm going to continue to let God to deepen my relationship with him... cause nothing else matters and I've realized that more then ever this past year... everything grows so meaningless next to my God... if I do nothing with my life... I would will it to be said of me that I, like Enoch, walked with God. And pray that when I come to the close of my singleness... that I would find God's strength in every aspect of my life. That I wouldn't feel that I'm no longer free to do the will of God but that my husband would push me to go further in my calling and in what God has for us together.
  Whew! that's a mouthful... but I haven't updated in forever. I sometimes feel such a burden to just share what’s on my heart, that I feel like I'll burst if I don't tell someone... and I want you to know what amazing and wonderful work God is doing in my life! And who knows... maybe God will use this to show you what He’s shown me. I love you all!!!

 

To God Be All the Glory!
~Ilene Rose

 

PS. Nathaniel and I are over... it's been about 3 monthes... long story... like Abraham and Isaac God asked me to let him go... and I did. But God is amazing!!! :) and I will yet praise Him!!! AMEN!